I was told to leave the Vipassana on day two | #5

Being given a lived experience of this statement: "Life is what happens to you when you're making other plans"

“Now is not the time for you. You will pack your things and leave today.” said the assistant teacher to me.

I had been preparing myself to be on this 10-day silent retreat. I’d originally had a spot in 2019 but I did not go. And I am glad I didn’t because I wasn’t ready. There is a risk for all-in types of people like me to take the Vipassana lightly because anyone can apply and it is free. But Goenka, the founder of Vipassana likens it to having a surgical operation so it is pretty serious. This operation cut through everything and finds the insight we all have within us.

Between 2019 and now I’d done a tonne more meditation, therapy and self-inquiry. By the end of 2022, I felt ready to go on the Vipassana — something that had always been on my list of things to do. It was a deep embodied sense that I was finally ready to sit with whatever would come up during these ten days. When I had a spot to go on the Vipassana in 2023, I was excited and finally ready for this deep period of insight. 

I arrived at the centre around 4pm and was given a pouch, a piece of paper with my name printed on it and a new student form.

In the dining hall while waiting to register, I met a lovely musician called Izzy and in my dorm I met two more lovely ladies. We were allowed to chat until the official start time of 9pm. That made me feel even more settled and comfortable. As part of the registration, we had to fill out a form and I shared that I had struggled with anxiety, which is something I have been working with for a while. I had shared the same details in my pre-registration form. 

The Vipassana began that Wednesday evening as Day Zero.

On Day One, I was called up to speak with the assistant teacher, she wanted to know more about the anxiety and if there were dark moments. She went straight to asking if I’d ever had thoughts about not being here anymore. I shared that 2021 was a difficult time for me with severe anxiety and I was in a very dark place. I said I did but could not remember the exact details. She refocused me on answering her questions ‘When?’ and ‘How frequently?’  There was a period where maybe I felt that way for about a month was what I told her. I had come out of it towards the end of that year and spent most of last year living closer to my truth and building stability around that. After that conversation, I was allowed to continue the Vipassana. She even said to just knock on her door at any time, even at night. 

On Day Two, I was once again called to speak with the assistant teacher. 

When I arrived, she said we’re gonna meditate for a short while and so we did. After that she took my registration form and flung it in my direction, asking me to fill it with the details I shared with her the day before. She said that because of my mental health history, now was not the time for me to do the Vipassana and that I would be leaving that day.

The decision came as a surprise to me because just yesterday I was allowed to continue. Feeling a bit confused and shocked, I asked if I had any option of staying. I was hoping we’d be able to discuss possibilities for me to stay. I had after all thought very seriously about this period of time and wanted her to see that. She said no and called the course manager who was waiting at the back of the hall, to come and escort me to the office. The course manager did not sit at the back of the hall on Day One, and this indicates to me that the decision to send me home had been made even before this meeting started. 

When we arrived in the office, she gave me my phone back so I could call a cab and take the train back to London. 

More pics of the Vipassana:

It all happened so fast that I was in a deep state of shock.

I guess when I said I came with no expectations, this was one I definitely did not expect. The irony! But I also think this is the whole point, even things outside of the container that we don’t expect to happen can happen and the practice is accepting whatever arises. I was definitely not ready for this one. 😅

She told me not to read things on the internet and believe in articles like ‘Vipassana cured my depression’. And if I wanted to apply again, I would have to wait until I had no symptoms at all for five years. I wondered if she thought I’d come to ‘cure my depression’ and was a bit upset if that was a projection. 

Having had a bit more distance from the immediate shock and negative emotions of the situation, I can reflect on it a bit better. 

The first thought that comes to mind is how much of a bubble I am privileged to be in. I am in circles where we are brutally honest about everything we are going through and this brutal honesty has always been treated with appreciation, care and no exclusion or judgement. This bubble includes the place I work, the friends I have and the communities I am in. At work we show up with our full selves and my 1:1 with the startup founder I work with probably mirrors therapy some days more than a weekly business check in. This has become my norm so much so that I’d forgotten that honesty gets you judged, kicked out and questioned in other spaces.

My deep need for choice, autonomy, self-responsibility and empowerment felt like they were taken from me. I felt like I wasn’t seen for my own unique self nor understood for being exactly who I am. Even if we ultimately arrived at the same decision that I should leave, I felt that I should have at least had the chance to work together with her across the 10 days and go to her if anything came up. I wished that I would have been given the opportunity to discuss how I feel with her and share my views before she concluded that I wasn’t ready. 

I felt distressed that the decision was taken out of my hands -- made on my behalf rather than made together with me. I felt embarrassed and fear others would think it is a reflection of me and ‘my inabilities’ because the teacher has the authority. Even though I know that meditation is a very personal and private practice where abilities don’t really matter so I shouldn’t need to feel this way. It brought me back to being told ‘You are wrong’ and ‘You know nothing’ and being unable to understand what I did wrong.

This was deeply triggering. I have always valued my own voice, opinions and choices. It felt painful to be reminded of moments in my life when my parents couldn’t understand me or couldn’t see me for the person I want them to be proud of. 

This experience reaffirms the importance of dialogue to resolve conflict for me rather than snap one-sided decisions. It reaffirms the importance of being understood and makes me realise how painful not being seen is for me.

I want to thank all the people who have sent me beautiful and supportive text messages, voice notes, jumped on calls with me etc because of this. 

One of those people shared this poem with me and I wanted to share it with you too: 

​The Guest House by Rumi

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.​

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honourably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.​

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.