The significance of my insignificance is so deeply liberating | #18

Letting go of a grandeur life to live an authentic one

Hey friends,

Here with another reflective piece on how I have shifted my self-perception and learn to live a more authentic and grounded life!

I have scheduled this post to go out ahead of time because I actually just got back from a ten-day trip in Salt Lake City, Bryce Canyon, Zion and Joshua Tree. I will write about that trip soon but for now settle in for another self-awareness piece!

Heightened sense of self-importance

Growing up, I always thought I was special. Extremely quick to understand things, top of the class, frequently the one with a unique perspective, and relied upon as the creative problem solver. Being admired and revered by those around me added to this belief. I thought these qualities made me more significant than the average person, as if no two people could be equally significant and we were all ranked in a pecking order. This heightened sense of self-importance stemmed from a fear of rejection, a feeling of neglect and not being seen when I was young. And because I thought that my life had greater importance than others, I believe that I couldn’t live like a normal person. I thought that my life had to be worthy of being on stage, worthy of an audience and so I only lived and cared for the big moments. 

But gaining an embodied understanding of how insignificant I am in contrast to what I thought, has been deeply liberating. I don’t mean that I don’t matter, and I am not judging or beating myself up either. What I mean is that I have been able to recalibrate this unreasonably heightened sense of self-importance to a more reasonable and healthy level. I can be respected and revered by others but it doesn’t lessen the importance of those who give me attention and it doesn’t mean I am more important than other people. There doesn’t need to be competition or a pecking order. The liberation comes from recognising that not every moment in my life has to be grand, Instagram-able or fit for stage and performance.

Life had to be grand

With the previous heightened belief of self-importance came a belief that everything I did had to have grandeur, and it had to reach some perfectionist standard.  I would rush through simple things like a hug with a loved one or another meal or a gathering with friends, as if these ‘smaller’ and ‘everyday’ things did not matter. I always felt like time was running out and I needed to be on my way towards the grandeur life and being seen and recognised. It is like I think that I am some VIP, and almost everything that takes place in life is like an intern trying to have a meeting with me. I don’t have time for them, I only have time for other big shot’s and ‘more important’ people. 

Unshackling myself from this belief has been deeply empowering. Knowing that I don’t need to be ‘on stage performing’ all the time means I can savour small things, I can be present in each moment and it dissolves this ranking order belief of how my time should be spent.

How you spend your days is how you live your life

There is a saying that goes like this: how you spend your days is how you live your life. This means that the small, regular and frequently occurring moments are the most important ones. The incremental milestones, however small, are important to mark and celebrate, whether that is turning a year older, being promoted at work or achieving a goal. It is in the celebration of these small moments that accumulates to the entirety of life. 

For most of my teens and into my twenties, not only was my mentality stuck in a state of thinking I was more important, my nervous system was also stuck in a dysregulated state of panic, fearing I was losing time with each passing moment. I was always fighting against the passage of time to reach the big moment when I was finally recognised and finally good enough and worthy enough. 

Thinking there was no reason to celebrate my life yet

Each time I was promoted at work and I was promoted really fast, I hardly stopped to celebrate before plotting the next promotion. Each time when I reached the type of milestone a normal would stop to relish and celebrate, I’d just trundle on like there was no tomorrow and I needed to be on my way. For a long while, I truly believed that there was no reason to celebrate my life yet because I hadn’t reached the big goals I had set for myself. And I just needed to keep pushing harder and faster on the hamster wheel. Hard work, hustle and grind would, I thought, eventually get me there.

I was so afraid of not being good enough that I would only focus on things that would make me look good externally. For the first five years of my career, I never bothered with things like pensions or investments because they weren’t gonna help prove my outward worth. All I did was panic with a shallow breath and sought out all the opportunities to prove who I was to the world. 

Gaining awareness of my emotions and distressed state

After I started becoming more aware of my emotions and my distressed state, I started to work through it. I started realising that so much of my previous actions were tied to my belief that I needed to do things to appear good enough. And I was acting out of panic and reacting to the situation rather than out of ease and truth. I would do all of this thinking that the more I did to prove my worth, the more I would be building out my significance. I wanted to be known, I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to be famous. 

But what I actually wanted deeply was to be loved and acknowledged and seen. My belief that I was more significant and my yearning to keep up the appearances were all rooted in this desire to be loved. 

If I am ordinary, like the others, then I don’t need to be so smart, so perfect, so everything. I can sit in the park on a sunny day and read a book, I can just live my life and not worry about others. 

Learning to really live

And it was with the realisation of how insignificant I was that I started to really live my life. It was at this point that I was no longer performing, no longer seeking validation. I was now acting out of truth. I was acting out of how I actually felt. 

I started to slow my life down, I started to do things I loved rather than for recognition, I started to dance more, make more art and be more authentically me. And it was with this that I started to do things because I wanted to rather than because I felt I needed to. I was allowed to want ordinary things like a lunch with good friends or memories that are not documented or beautiful small moments that words cannot recount. I started to put money away in pensions and investments to accumulate for the future. I started to treasure the occasions where I’d meet a friend and go for a walk in the park or grab a bite together. I started to make weekly routines to do things I enjoyed like ecstatic dance (a cross between a dancing meditation and a sober rave), kirtan (chanting Sanskrit mantras as a spiritual devotion), writing and I started to see that I didn’t need to be known or perfect or famous.