On saying 'no' to social situations | #2

Owning my non-popular opinion and following through with my unconventional approach

Hi friends, after the first issue, three people pledge money to my newsletter — thank you early believers! With every new subscriber I feel even more motivated to share my life with you all.

Over the last two days, I spent hours doing charcoal, monotype print and monochrome painting studies of Degas’ The Tub. Here is a picture of all my studies:

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On What to Write:

For this second issue, a bunch of things came up as potential things to write about. This included:

• Mexico and how similar it was to Malaysia where I grew up

• The Foster retreat and the emotions it brought up for me to be in such a safe and loving group 

• Surfing in Puerto Escondido and my love for riding a wave

It made me realise this newsletter could take so many directions that I procrastinated and almost decided to give up altogether. I managed to challenge myself to share the core of what felt alive and true for me this week.

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One of my longest and closest friends texted me that he’s throwing a big birthday bash again this year. Same weekend every year. Same fancy spot in West London.

His friendship and presence has been very significant across the entirety of my life in London. Since 2015, I have been to every single one of his birthday party. I have never missed a single one. This yearly event has become an institution amongst the regular goers who are invited year after year. 

In short, my not being there is like missing Christmas at home and out of choice rather than circumstance. And yet, this year I have chosen not to go. 

A big part of becoming myself is realising that just because I can do something, it doesn’t mean I should. Just because I am free this weekend when my friend is throwing his party, it doesn't mean I should go. 

Prior to entering university to do my undergrad, I really wanted to study law and humanities but instead I ended up at the business school. In my masters, this same split in the road occurred. I had an offer to study humanities or go to business school. For the second time I chose the latter. I realise part of this came from not yet being comfortable with who I really am. I thought that to win the admiration and adoration of the people I wanted it from, I had to go on the traditional career path and find ways to swiftly climb the ranks. I wanted validation by everyone else; I wanted to be seen as a successful person. I didn’t account for what I truly wanted.

During my masters at business school I felt so miserable. It just wasn’t me. I wanted to discuss philosophy and muse about purpose and meaning but people there didn’t seem to care or have opinions on those topics. I even had a classmate ask why I was at business school on orientation day when I said I was interested in thinking about interesting business models that could combine entrepreneurship and the betterment of our world through ethics and sustainability. 

I always felt like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. For years I thought that I was too harsh a critic of this crowd and that is why I never felt I belonged. In more recent times, I have discovered that it had to do with me trying to fit into an identity that was never really mine. 

The friend who invited me to his birthday party was a friend I’ve valued since we were classmates at business school. While our one to one interactions have always been something I enjoyed, our broader circle of friends are from business school and predominantly a finance crowd that I don’t particularly enjoy. 

Our business school crowd is one centred on comparison and competition. The updates tend to revolve around what awesome new job with a high paying salary someone is at or what incredible role and responsibility they have. And oftentimes asking someone else for an update isn’t because of sincere interest, rather it comes from a place of checking one’s own position in the hierarchy. 

I realised that I always go to these events feeling the need to appear my best. Any fleck of insecurity has to be airbrushed over. My outfit has to be on point, my makeup has to be immaculate and the pitch about my life perfected.

It is tiring.

It feels superficial.

And it brings out the worst in me.

I get sucked in and become guilty of comparing and competing too. 

I guess the normal way to respond to an invitation like this would be to attend the party or even just drop by at the very least. I realised that this level of politesse no longer lived up to the authentic version of Caryn who had become, emerged and is here. 

Instead of being polite, this is what I said:

And the best thing was that he replied in the way all friends should:

You can see why I value and rate this guy so highly because not all friends are so kind. Stepping into this version of myself isn’t always so easy and smooth. More often than not, friends take it personally, which I think is totally fair enough. 

I actually remember responding this way to a friend’s invitation for a Thanksgiving dinner many years ago. It was the same business school crowd. She was really upset that I didn’t attend the Thanksgiving dinner. She said she’d spent the whole week making food and for me to not turn up felt like I disrespected and did not value her. Back then, I remember feeling so guilty and like a really horrible friend even though I knew the decision was right and good for me. 

This week’s share is a recognition that my energy level is a prized, sacred and scarce resource. Making decisions to protect my emotions, especially if I already know how an event will affect me is a good thing. I am proud of myself for it. A big part of becoming me is to honestly, kindly and willingly own my non-popular opinion and to follow through with my unconventional approach. 

Just because I could attend this party, doesn’t mean I should. And so this Saturday evening instead of stressing out about my nail colour and scrambling to find the perfect outfit, I will probably be having a quiet meal with my sangha friends. 

Now, my question to you, have you ever been in a situation where you knew you wanted to act differently but you felt you weren’t allowed to because of social convention? Next time you are in such a situation, what could you do differently to protect your energy, your time, your emotions and your whole self?

All my love, in sincerity and non-bullshit fastidiousness! 

Caryn