Hanging onto radical candor | #47

Life is a cumulative series of chances and choices. In chances, the dice is thrown for us but in choices, we get to decide. And life is filled with a load of choices.

Choices are impacted by our nature and nurture - our belief systems, our fears, our ambitions, our past experiences. And often times, we aren’t even conscious to the driving factors behind our choices.

For most of my life, I have made choices dictated by what I believe are good and right. Or more accurately put, what society tells me are good and right. On surface, this seems like a relatively normal or even encouraged way to live. The masses can’t be wrong after all. But at some deep gut level, I’d always wondered whether gravitating to a collectively agreed way of being is really right for everyone.

Anita, a friend of mine, recommended a book to me recently. It is called ‘The Way of Integrity: Finding the path to your true self’ by Martha Beck. I haven’t finished the book so my thoughts are still forming but the thesis of the book is about being whole to your truth. Even one small divergence splits you into two and this brings you away from true joy. Reading this book was a nice reminder of that deep gut level feeling I’d had. And more importantly, it reaffirms me in my truth.

This applies to work as in all areas of life. Often, people say that in the context of work, a mask must be put on but I really contest this idea. I think that you make for a good hire at a place that values you exactly as you are with the things that makes you strong as well as the areas you know you could develop on. These often tend to be the flip side of the same coin.

And while a lot of organisations say they value this, it is actually really hard to put into practice because not everyone is going to like your true self. And showing up in your truth will inevitably cause conflict and discomfort with others. In the book Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, he says that conflict is actually really normal when you have two or more people. The thing that is the problem is we haven’t been taught how to handle or deal with conflict in a healthy and positive way. We’ve been socialised to see it as something to avoid and if we are someone who finds ourselves regularly in conflict then we must be bad. Conflict is absolutely normal, we are all different and therefore we will have different preferences.

There have been moments at work where I have had to decide whether to voice my opinions and cause discomfort. In almost all instances I do it because I think it is important to be truthful in earnest. Though there are definitely times when I can deliver truth in a more thoughtful way.

By showing up in my true self, I am stepping into life with courage to be me even when being me acts against social norms. This means that I share my honest opinions, I disagree without attacking and I stand for what I have to say. The truth is that hanging onto radical candor can be difficult because it means more energy is spent putting real feelings and views on the table leading to more discussions. And people’s emotions can get hurt on the way.

I definitely think there is courage in being radically candid and it is also an art in being radically candid in a loving and amiable way. I am always working on the second part.