Be Relentless in Pursuing Your People |#34

And the inner work that brings you closer to them

Hi all, I hope you’ve had a nice two weeks. I spent a week in Berlin under the most splendid weather with the most precious of people. We ate incredible vegan food, sat in parks, went to the Mecca of saunas called Vabali twice, thrifted, and watched a silent film scored to a live orchestra. It was delightful and filled me with peaceful joy.

Lately I’ve been thinking about how I feel more and more at home with my communities and how it has been a long time in the making. I wanna share some words to that reflection.

As an ultra-extrovert and social butterfly, I thrive on frequent interactions with friends, aiming to see them at least once a week. However, in a sprawling city like London, coordinating schedules and managing distances between neighbourhoods can be challenging. What's considered regular contact for most—meeting once a month—barely scratches the surface for me.

The Challenge of Sustaining Community Connections
Community is a cornerstone of my life and a value I hold dear. The desire to constantly surround myself with loved ones clashes with the reality of our separate, busy lives. Successful communities in my experience have flourished when there's a standing appointment—a regular slot in everyone's calendar reserved for coming together under a united interest, in say saunas, no matter what might otherwise guide their schedules.

Perseverance and Self-Reflection will get you there 
My quest for community has been underpinned by the relentless pursuit of connection and continuous self-discovery. It's about showing up—trying new groups and activities without hesitation. I realise that it doesn’t matter whether I enjoy the activity or discover it is not for me, each time I show up is a step toward finding where I truly belong. This is particularly important as I have found that I need to be in very niche bohemian communities. Alongside this external journey, internal reflection has been key. Delving into personal triggers and emotions, and questioning one’s own nature and desires has shaped my path toward a more authentic self and, by extension, the best communities for me.

Finding my way to Connection
From business school to yoga teacher training, cold swimming in Hyde Park and surfskate meetups, I've searched for belonging across various settings. Each community offered a glimpse into a potential home, yet often something felt amiss. It wasn't just about the places; it was about me needing to be comfortable in my own skin to truly find my space. Often, I felt out of place, and in turn reflected my internal turmoil onto the groups I joined.

The transformation began when I started attending in-person retreats with a beloved online writing community of mine. I’d fly from London to New York, Mexico and even Costa Rica just to spend time with these people. At points it shocked me to see myself spend a lot of resources to be there with them but I also found it to be beautiful. How precious it was that I had found a community as rich and diverse as my inner world felt and one that not only saw but cherished all the parts that formed me!

Each time I’d come back to my home city, London, and think there surely has to be a community here that makes me feel the way Foster, my online writing community does. In November 2023, I stumbled upon one such community at the local sauna in East London. A few of us started a group chat, and I began joining two members' regular bi-weekly sauna sessions, which they've had for over a year.

After my time in Costa Rica, I came back with renewed commitment to double down on this community. Regular, meaningful interactions have not only enhanced my well-being but have also made me feel more at home than ever before. With this mindset, my niche and bohemian communities have started to grow. I have the Burning Man community and ecstatic dance community to add to the sauna and online writing community.

Commitment to Community Exploration
My journey through various communities is marked by a deep determination to find my tribe. This pursuit is less about the fear of missing out and more about a genuine exploration of diverse social landscapes to satisfy the diversity of my inner world. Without realising it, perseverance has been my guide, helping me navigate through fleeting interactions to discover the communities and friendships that have been more enduring.

Another turning point took place last Sunday when I invited business school friends into the ecstatic dance community and then a sauna session. It was a true full circle moment where I was able to bring together two parts of myself and show them to each other without shame. It was a proud moment to shine in my light and truth and not to hide the different parts of me. It was a confluence of the inner work I’d done to find me, with the perseverance I had to find my tribe and the consistency to show up and be a part of them.

The Role of Inner Work
My inner journey has been as crucial as my external explorations. Therapy and self-reflection have revealed deep-seated judgments and fears, clearing the way for more authentic interactions and relationships. As I've come to understand and accept myself more deeply, I've found it easier to connect genuinely with others. This self-acceptance has been key to finding and fostering meaningful community ties.

Finding Self-Sustaining Community
Communities that attract people naturally—like those centred around shared interests in sauna or Burning Man events—are particularly powerful. They offer not just regular gatherings but a shared passion that binds members together. As you seek out your communities and deeper truths, remember the power of relentless pursuit and the transformative potential of inner work. These elements are not just paths to finding a community but also to living your most fulfilled life.

Finding my people and being a light unto which others find their people has been a long journey. It has had its uncertainties, its lows and many moments of feeling lost. But my relentless pursuit of my people has shown me that when you have courage and do the work to find and then stand in your fullest and truest truth, it becomes a light and beacon for others to follow. Others will not only admire you, they will also be inspired to eventually step up into their own fullest and truest truth. 

I hope this encourages more of you to go niche, be weird, stand tall in YOU and as a result attract your own people to you.

With love and light,

Caryn