A stark contrast to my decision paralysis | #50

Sharing my art proposal for UK's regional Burn

Manifesting my reality Part I

With a level of self-directed motivation I was in awe to witness within myself, I put together a proposal to build an installation at the end of December 2023. It would become an elaborate three-part interactive wooden installation for the UK regional Burning Man event, Burning Nest.

It would use tools I didn’t even know existed.

Heck, I didn’t know how much time and money it was going to truly cost as I hit submit on the proposal with a line-by-line budget:

It turned out I heavily underestimated the amount of wood required!

All I can say was something propelled me in this direction. In the depths of my bones, I knew I was going to build this. And that knowing was without an inflated sense of arrogance nor delusional self-belief. It just felt pure and true.

Since then I’d realised the vision, brought it to Burning Nest and another London Burner event called London Decompression.

Various stages of the art build and being on display along with the wonderful people like Harry, Irene and Alex who helped me!

It was even invited to be shown at Medicine Festival in 2024, a beautiful gathering of thousands of people in the UK countryside. (I didn’t go through with it because it was the week before Burning Man).

Manifesting my reality Part II

I spent chunks of time researching, brainstorming and planning in the December break and the start of January to allow my thoughts and ideas to percolate.

Conveniently aligned with my desire to bring a much bigger, bolder and braver piece, they emphasised this point this year:

if you have a big idea for a show-stopping spectacle, this is your year!

I felt confident with this submission process, I’d done something similar before and was able to take all the learnings of the last round in. I started by looking into the etymology of this year’s theme, Beneath the Aether to decide what to build. I brainstormed words on sticky notes stuck to my wall so connections could be made in my brain throughout the day:

Super blurry pic!

I looked at visuals too until I landed on building a physical manifestation of the Akashic Field (a belief that everything is universally connected and recorded in an energy field or a ‘universal supercomputer’).

I asked my burner friends to join as early collaborators, my last piece was a solo piece, and did more extensive research on every aspect that would be needed to have a more accurate budget.

A stark contrast to my decision paralysis

In almost all aspects of my life, I get stuck in decision paralysis. Things as low stakes as what dish or what flavour bubble tea to order, what colour bike frame to choose are things I get stuck on. I can’t feel my way to a choice because I feel numbed and overwhelmed. I feel a deep fear that if I make the wrong choice, there is no going back.

Even when my gut said no, I was always confused with what the ‘right’ choice would be, sometimes pulling out of them at very inconvenient last minute moments. Like the time I had agreed to be a bridesmaid and spent over £1,000 on flights even though I probably knew at a deep level that I was not in a physical or mental state to fly halfway across the world. And eventually cancelling.

Living my truth

It strikes me that all of this seems so at odds with the way I have come to realise my installation art. I did it without fear or doubt, I literally just did it.

What I have come to realise is that I was unhindered by fear and living my truth.

Our truth and our light lives within us, if you dare to meet it and to let it come alive. I didn’t realise this at the time but because I dared to meet my light, I was doing my true work, and manifesting my reality.

I hope 2025 is many incremental decisions of manifesting your unique reality.

Love and light,

Caryn